Limits, Boundary Lines

I am human; therefore, I get frustrated, disappointed, angry. Today, I was a little bit of all 3 as I set out to plan a day of ziplining for me and my beloved when we are in Maui this summer celebrating 25 years of the thick and thin that is marriage.

Haleakala, Kaanapali, oh my: how beautiful!

My heart was set upon the breathtaking aerial views of Maui since hiking isn’t my jam given the very real limitations that come with depending on one functional lung. It looked to be a wonderful adventure; I was S-O-L-D!

SOLD up until I read that individuals must be able “to hike in 2.5-mile stints at altitude on uneven terrain”.

It was as if someone took a pin to my balloon as the words began to blur as I struggled to hold my tears back seeking to deny my frustration, disappointment, and anger, to pretend I was perfectly accepting of my physical limitations.

I was bumping up against physical limits caused by curative cancer treatment received as a child which demand boundary lines that have been a part of me, my life for as long as I can remember. Amazingly, I have not harbored resentment or bitterness within my heart across the 40 years since my treatment chemotherapy, but today, the limit felt harsh; it stung.

There will be no ziplining in Maui for me nor would beloved ever go without me.

In the past, I would have soldiered on.

Today, however, I leaned into the frustration, the disappointment, the anger; I allowed myself to be, to sit with the way I was feeling, unapologetically and without shame.

Presently, I am recovering from the flu gone south into the land of pneumonia. I was extremely sick, the sickest I’ve been in the 11 years since my heart transplant. My stamina is in the toilet though I get a little bit stronger each day.

Truth is, I am training for our vacation and I spent today on our daybed doing very, very little. Some days are just like that and no amount of frustration on my part can change that reality.

It is what it is.

Through it all, I remind myself that the boundary lines have fallen in pleasant places for me [Psalm 16:6] and my heart remains full of gratitude even on days when it seems like the only progress I make is 2 steps back!

 

 

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